15 February – When I Cannot Hug You On Your Birthday


Oisin, born 35 wks, 15 Feb 2011. Arrived Early. Departed early.

When I Cannot Hug You On Your Birthday

There are moments that can last for days.

Where I move into the darkness.

Where I can barely function in daily life.

Where my heart aches for you to be with me.

Where life starts to take on a grey two dimensional existence,

and the pain is the only place that feels real.

I move into this darkness with an open heart.

I do so out of choice.

Because at some point along the way,

I find you.

I find love.

I find connection.

I find oneness.

I find who I really am, and who I really am is who you really are.

Polarity leaves.

Boundaries leave.

Duality leaves.

I am still.



I cannot control this loss.

I have no power to bring you back.

I cannot have you in my arms and see you turn another year older today.

I cannot run from what life has given me to carry.

But I can choose to find where you are now.

To find you within me.

I find you always in the surrender to what is.

The surrender to all I cannot change.

Happy Birthday, dear, sweet, wise, radiant Oisin.  On your 5th birthday, we find you in our hearts, whether in pain or in joy. You are there. A timeless butterfly boy, dancing all around us. Xxxx


Oisin’s 1st Birthday

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3 Responses to 15 February – When I Cannot Hug You On Your Birthday

  1. Roisin Prizeman says:

    Thinking of you all today, Barry, Sheila, Oisín, Cillian & all your family, sending you love xxxx


  2. Esther Maher O'Keeffe. says:

    Hello Barry, Sheila, Oisin in Butterfly Heaven, little Cillian and all the family. I just opened my e-mails and read the amazing words that you put down on paper. I sense that they were your words Sheila. I continually try to tell my sons that life is very short and to be honest, I know that they don’t take it in. Perhaps I am wrong. My youngest son who is 30 years old lost one of his special friends in a car accident 7 or 8 years ago. His memory card is not to hand in my very untidy writing desk at the mo to check the exact year. I do know that it is in October. To say that the support and respect that they gave to the Mam and Dad and siblings was wonderful, is too small a word. On his anniversary each year, they all gather, lads and girls and play music beside his grave. They do what makes them a little less sadder.

    I know that you miss hugging Oisin so much, but when Cillian hugs you and the little baby that you are carrying gets that hug at the same time, please imagine that just as you cant see that little baby physically, doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t realise that it is happening. You can hug one of Oisin’s Teddies and I sense that you have done that many times. Close your eyes and Oisin’s spirit will allow you to feel him supporting you.

    I have not got a Degree in Psychology like yourself Sheila, but I tend to be a very deep person and to this hour I still miss my father who passed to Heaven on my 15th Birthday. However, when I am in a stew over something, I tend to say ” Dad, please give me a dig out here now, I’m not doing so good”. I have never yet been let down.Very shortly after someone will call, or the phone will ring. Those little things have come to pass between a good friend of mine. I don’t really care if people believe this or not, because my friend knows that it has happened. When my friend leaves or puts down the phone, I always say – Thanks Dad, I feel much better now. People call this coincidence. I don’t as it has happened too many times.

    I wish you all well Sheila.. I never met little Oisin, but from what I read about the way he loved and understood all the different little cars that he had, I sense that he was a highly intelligent little boy.

    Very sincerely,

    Esther Maher O’Keeffe.


  3. Anne O'Donnell says:

    Sheila, Barry, Cilly & bump,
    As is often the way, your story and what I believe to be Oisín’s presence came into my mind at my yoga practice tonight. I prayed for you all. I hope all is ok for you.
    Sat nam,
    Anne O’Donnell


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